Journal

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Lord, here I am again, full of worry—a subject I bring to You over and over again. It’s about what I believe (Your truth and promises) playing tug of war with what I feel (my emotions and fears).

The journey between my head and my heart is the hardest one of them all. I know the truth in my head: You are sovereign and a very present help in time of need. But my heart feels defenseless and invisible. My head knows You are faithful and good, but my heart feels as though You are mean and absent.

I know the truth is that You are just, but I feel what David felt. . . . How long, O Lord . . . How long will You allow the enemy to be victorious? I know faith is not about my feelings but about what I choose to believe. Tonight, my feelings are pressing in; I need Your comfort, I plead for Your mercy.

You know my heart, how I try to keep trusting You, but I habitually return to controlling the caretaking work by my own strength. It’s impossible. Oh God, it’s such a great conflict for me. I’m afraid. I’m terrified that You will not protect, You will allow more harm; even though I know that isn’t the way of truth.

My request? Lord, have mercy on me and give me Your grace. Pick me up from my emotions and carry me to your truth.

Posted in Christian Living, Women.

Colleen Swindoll serves as director of Special Needs Ministries at Insight for Living. From the personal challenges of raising a child with disabilities (her third child, Jonathan), Colleen desires to offer help and hope through writing and counseling to those facing disabling and despairing trials.